Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Hippo gnu deer
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
