The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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