found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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