There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
