Plan B is the new Plan A
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
