I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
