so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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