i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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