People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I got inside last night via doggy door
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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