wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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