new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
