I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
