at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
