We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
