sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
