Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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