I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
