YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
