Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
