I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
