I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
