you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
