You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
