I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
