Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
