omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you had me at cake vodka
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
