I want to have your abortion
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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