Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
