he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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