we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
