can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
