there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize