If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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