i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
