Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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