he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
