I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
