I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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