Need sex. Gaining weight.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
