I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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