Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize
