Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
