her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
