Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
