dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
