I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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