Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
