i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize