Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize