Porn is love you can see.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
