Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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