He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize