Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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