He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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