come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
