I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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