I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
