I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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