I puked a lego.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
