I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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